Star light Star bright Star blind

This morning, at about 02:30am I had what can only be described as an out-of-body experience. I lost my mind, I lost track of time and I lost all sense of propriety.

After dinner last night, the FTs, Zozo and I made our way to Mo*vida. That turned out to be crawling with slimey, bright orange Antonio Banderas lookalikes who were clearly loaded but extremely tacky as well. That was, the first (Yeah I know I'm over a year late okay?) and last time I will ever step foot into Mo*vida.

Next stop was Kabaret. A bunch of old friends were gonna be there, and we were desperate to get away from the fake tan and cigar sparklers. The music was great, the people were great and it was turning out to be an awesome night. And then at 02:00am I felt myself being pushed ever-so-slightly, and in a flash, caught a glimpse of JayZ's face as he was bundled into a table in the corner of the club.

Now, if you've never been there, it might be helpful for me to add that Kabaret is tiny! It's probably the smallest club I've ever been to. Its so small I don't know what I go looking for there on such a regular basis. So as you can imagine, my friends and I were shoved and bumped around as several desperate people (surprisingly fewer than I would have expected though) crammed themselves into the small space between my friends and I, and JayZ's bodyguards.

I'm not gonna pretend that I wasn't excited that he was there, but obviously, after like 15 minutes, my focus returned to the music. And then I got tapped on the shoulder by Steve, the puffy-afro'd promoter, and he goes "Do you and your friend wanna meet JayZ?" At first I thought he meant me and all my friends, so grabbed hold of Zozo and FT1. And then he's like "No... just you two" i.e. me and FT1. Dazed and confused, I let him lead us past the massivo bodyguard, thinking that I was gonna shake this guy's hand, say hello for a couple of seconds, and walk back out to meet my friends.

45 minutes later, I was sitting at a table with Chris Martin (Coldplay), to whom the first thing I said was "Oh my God, so sorry I didn't recognise you earlier! I love your wife!" Before hastily adding, "Ooh I love you too! 'Fix you' and all that!" [Yes... I'm an idiot!] I had also met Hype Williams, said brief hellos to Woody Harrelson and David Blaine (in my head I was like "don't you dare come near me, weirdo").. and I'd met JayZ, who I was sitting next to. Did I know that I had been sitting there for bloody ages? Not really. Was I having fun? Not really.. He's not exactly gifted at making conversation, and there were some other irritating model-wannabe/pouty types sitting with us, who were having the most enthralling (not!) conversation about..... Shit! I can't even remember what they were on about.. they really were that stupid! Did I remember that I had left two amazing people (one of whom is probably never gonna forgive me) on their own, in a club where they didn't know anyone else, and barely knew each other? No.

For like the first time ever in my life, I had stopped thinking. Obviously I was extremely flattered that Steve had considered us hot enough to be part of the "groupie" crew, and that JayZ and co obviously agreed with his verdict otherwise they would've sent us away, as they did to one girl! But I still can't explain why my mind (well, the part that's supposed to make you sensible) shut down like it did.. I mean, I'm not exactly the biggest JayZ fan. I did buy his last album (a bootleg version of course), but did I ever play it? No! Yeah I appreciate that he is one of the biggest entertainers of all-time, but then I don't really care much for rap, and I've only really gone crazy over the stuff he's done with other people. Although that said, I was completely clueless as to what to do when Beyonce's "Deja Vu" came on, which (as you know) has him, the man I was sitting next to, "doing his thing" on the track or whatever. It was so bloody awkward.. I love the song, and if I'd been with my friends, I would've been gyrating like a maniac, but I wasn't.. I was with the boyfriend of the singer, who was doing this clappy thing (which was so cool.. until his 50-something year old manager joined in, and I realised that "the clappy" was some kinda routine they had going on) and who wasn't really talking to me, or anyone else for that matter, so I couldn't exactly start bumping and grinding like a maniac in their midst.. I would've been kicked out.

... What amazes me, is the speed at which I forgot that my friends were out there, and had been out there for bloody ages, by themselves, with no clue as to when FT1 and I were gonna go back to them, or what they should be doing. Worse still, neither of them had wanted to go out, it'd been FT1 and I dragging them (literally!) along with us. And what I don't get is that I wasn't exactly having the time of my life, yet I couldn't bring myself to leave. My head was not working, and neither were my legs. Like the idiot-girls at the table (excluding FT1 of course) I simply sat there, dancing a little in my seat, smiling, making rubbish conversation with Jay's manager, in fact, completely ignoring "Jay" himself, who I had absolutely nothing to say to... and who didn't really wanna talk to me, or anyone else, for that matter. He was so uncharismatic (is that a word?) that at one point, FT1 leaned across the table and yelled, in her heavy Spanish accent, "Stop sulking!!" .. which was hilarious, but kinda scary, cuz I had a mental image of us being thrown (Fresh Prince of BelAir style) off the table, which, at that time, would honestly have been the worst thing in the world! My 'world' really had become that microscopic!!!

I didn't remember my friends were out there (God I am so SO ashamed) until the grizzly bouncer turned to face us, and announced that one of them was crying, at which point I started to regain my mind and cranial instruments. She was tired, she was angry, and as I later found out, she had been yelled at and publicly humiliated by the hideous bouncer for simply trying to get him to get a message across to me that she was leaving. She was pissed, she was livid.. and she was hurt.

A whirlwind of chaos followed, and somehow (I swear, my brain was still trailing some 5 or 6 looong paces behind me! Although it was catching up) we made it back to my flat. I discovered (here comes the cheesy revelation you've been waiting for.. teehee) that I'm really not cut out for the heartless bitch role. I cried and sobbed like a baby when I realised just how upset she was! And then cried on the phone like a lunatic, apologising to FT2. And then I tried to get all excited again about the night by phoning Chydo, who is a huge fan of my.. uh.. "buddy" Jay, but she wasn't having it... So I.. uh.. cried myself to sleep. What a night