G.A.Y- The gaydar never lies

Meeting a friend for the first time in a long while can be awkward. Meeting a friend you used to fancy and had weird history with for the first time in a long while can also be, pretty awkward. Meeting a friend you used to fancy and had weird history with for the first time in a long while, and realising on first sight that he is gay, is bloody awkward!!

He was wearing drainpipes. He was also wearing a ratty moth-eaten scarf that you would think was cool only if you were a confused goth-cum-grunge. On his head, I thought, was a bowler hat with bushy, straggly hair glued to it... you know, the type you find in comedy or halloween stores? But in fact, it was his real hair, and the hat was just the sorta accessory he is now known for.

He used to be, in American terms, a "mack-daddy". He was smooth, and outrageously flirtatious. He was also very goodlooking, in the pretty-boy way, and he dressed really really well. His look was well put-together and fashionable, but it was clear he hadn't had to stare at his reflection for over an hour to achieve the look. It was calculated and effortless all at the same time.

He was a player. Every girl thought she was the only one, the one he spent hours on the phone talking to, late at night.. Who knew that one boy could converse at length so many times a night? Pretty girls couldn't get enough of him, and you could even say that being wooed by him was rather flattering.

The only flaw at the time was what he called, and still refers to as, his "fear of commitment". With a normal guy, that phobia would inspire a series of flings with a number of women. But then, he would succumb to the temptation to date at least one seriously or semi-seriously.. at least once over a six year period!!!

My friend never went beyond the flirtatious, tentative stage. He would call you everyday and take you out nonstop for three or four months, make you fall hopelessly in love with him, and then vanish into thin air. I know, because stupidly, I allowed this to be done to me.... 3 times.

I first knew there was a problem when he (after the 3rd try with me) did the same thing to one of my friends who, would honestly receive marriage proposals on a daily basis but for the fact that she has a boyfriend. According to him, she didn't show enough interest. He was a man of the 21st century, and he needed the woman to do some work in return. I suppose by 'work' he meant calling him crying and begging everyday.

He spouted this same shpeel yesterday when we hung out, but the veil that had clouded my vision and understanding in the past, had floated away. He also divulged a number of "humorous" anecdotes detailing instances when his sexuality had been questioned, without realising (as I couldn't help but point out) that being mistaken for a gay guy by other gay guys isn't a good thing. If anything it confirms that you really are gay, as gay guys are reputed to be like wolves on a blood-trail when it comes to sniffing out those who swing their way!

The last straw was when he spoke with great intensity about the joys of the East End, and about its "unspoiled" vintage warehouses that lacked the commercialism of Camden and Portobello.

He's so gay.. but he doesn't know this song is about him!! Stay tuned for an invite to his coming-out party.