Thursday, October 11, 2007

Big Footie in The Big Loonie Apple

So that myth about America being the place to go if you're one of those women who finds herself shunned by Britain's fashion industry because she wears a Size 9 (UK) and above, is bull. I have searched high and low, from Gucci and Louboutin all the way down to frigging Payless, and so far, have only one pair of shoes (beautiful, beeoootifoool boots) to show for all my effort.

If I'm being honest, I have allowed myself to get side-tracked along the way. If ever there was a shopping Mecca, New York City is it. In the last 2 years, friends have told me again and again that if anyone was born to inhabit Manhattan, it was me. I thought they were joking, even exaggerating, and so never made the numerous plans to visit with the true intent to see them through. In the last 2 years, I have planned to come to New York five times, and I never managed to make it until last week.

Now, I see that my friends were preaching the honest truth all that time, and that the only thing my Doubting Thomas/Pharisee methodology achieved was to deny me of what some might even say was my birthright. I LOVE it here! I get more bang for my buck, nightclubs I stroll into have Mark Ronson DJ-ing casually on their decks, hair stylists are so skilled they make me dazzle like Hollywood royalty in under 40 minutes, and there are shops and restaurants on every corner!
I have been having a blast!


I couldn't live here though. The first reason being that the city would bleed me dry and I would find myself homeless in under a month. The second reason (... almost forgot this one) being that I love London (even though I am a little peeved having now discovered first-hand that all us Londoners are victims of daylight robbery, day in day out!) And the third reason being that there are too many crazy people running all over the bloody place!

On Friday afternoon, whilst on a jolly meander around Madison Avenue, the latter realisation was a little too much for me to handle. I had just spent 8 hours on a gruesome Virgin Atlantic flight, during which my insomnia kicked in, and during which I was deprived of a bottle of water for the first TWO hours we spent in the air. Why? Because the airline had lost a passenger. I kid you not - they made everyone sit in their seats for 2 hours, ran around counting us as though we were sheep in a barn, before eventually accepting defeat and making an announcement to the tune of:

"It appears we are missing a Ms. Maggie Gyllenhaal. Dear Passengers, if there is a woman sitting next to you, whose name you do not yet know, could you kindly tap her lightly on the shoulder and say "Hey, Are you Maggie?" Even if she is asleep? We would really appreciate that. Again, thank you for flying Virgin Atlantic. The crew will now be passing through with some refreshments for you."

I also got to witness two very dramatic scenarios in which oxygen had to be pumped up the nostrils of some passengers, and as you can imagine, was more than exhausted when I finally touched down in Newark, which I then discovered was a whole hour away from bloody New York City. E-Weezy who was with me all the while, but who had snoozed like a baby through drama after drama on the entire flight, became the voice of reason at that point, as I was more than just a little "tetchy".

Back to the mad people walking around New York. There are hundreds of them. In my time here I have seen more creeds and colours of loonies than I thought possible. They are everywhere - uptown, midtown, downtown. And they are not just mad, they are barking mad!

To illustrate, on Tuesday afternoon, I was sitting in a cab at a red light, en route to the Meatpacking District. I was watching a lady struggle with her blonde toddler and a pushchair on the sidewalk, when I noticed a tall black man in a blue beanie strolling in their direction. He had a Samuel L. Jackson (on a crazy day) bounce to his walk, and he had huge beady eyes, and little tufts of grey hair all over his neck and chin.

Dude in the blue beanie bounces over to two big blue bins. He lifts the lid off the first one, looks to his left and then to his right, and spits into the bin. In my head I'm thinking, "What the hell is this man doing?" He then goes to the next blue bin, lifts the lid, and does the exact same thing. Then he walks to the crossing, where my cab is still sitting, kicks a trash can (they don't say dust bin here) until it falls over, and stomps across the road.

The lights change, my cab begins to crawl, and as we inch closer to the blue bins I see the white stickers on their lids with the words 'United States Postal Service'.

Even though I think it would be uncharacteristic for the tramps in London to do that kind of thing, I doubt they would have much luck propelling their saliva through the tiny slits in the red Royal Mail boxes. Why? Because we have a postal service that plans for such eventualities! New Yorkers I am afraid to say, do not. So in a few days' time when I get back to London and begin the tedious sift through my mail, I am pretty confident that it will be saliva-free. And even if it isn't, I will be so wonderfully stuffed from my gynormous bites of crazy (but deliciously juicy) apple, that I doubt I will care. Xxx

17 comments:

Ekoakete said...

Hi B. You've got the big apple spot on. How have you found the customer service over there compared to here? The many "Sirs" and "Have a lovely days" caught me off guard at first, but I soon got used to it. Except for the humourless American immigration officers at the airport, who are itching to summarily send you packing at the slightest prompting. You hit Woodbury Common yet?

Anonymous said...

OMG,im in NY too on holiday and its been fab sofar, went to comdey village last nite and dave chappelle droped by and left! Went in search for central perk in Greenwich! Im Lovin it! Always trawling tru Soho!The subway scares the shit outta me! Enjoy it too, who knows we mite have walked past each other!

Naapali said...

liksay na me be guvnor: welcome to America, though New York is as different from any other American city as it is from London. Pls spread word to all other Britikos to come over and enjoy the 2:1 exchange rate especially as most times $1 buys the same as 1 pound. As for bigfoot tendencies search and you shall find. My youngest sis is a UK 11 and did manage to find a pair or two of good shoes.

Njoy

Anonymous said...

check out naijafashionfreak!!!!,,its the new blog in town

Bitchy said...

@ Eko - How funny you should mention that! On my first day I hit Saks, and felt like I was being ATTACKED by all the "How're you ladies doin' today?" "Having a good day ladies?" I just wanted to yell - "Leave me alone!!" Now, I kinda like it - especially if it means that a ridiculously good looking sales guy will model clothes for me for 3 hours straight in the Men's Dept. Teehee!

@ Cheet - Hey girl!! That would be hilarious if we walked past each other. Lol. I completely forgot that I had wanted to go looking for Central Perk!

@ Naapali - No worry, the Britikos are descending in full force. Your sister is a size 11 UK? Jesus Christ! How does she cope?

Zena said...

lmao Bitchy,
I feel rude sometimes calling you that,lol
Well welcome to looney central, my friend came from England also and she was begging to go back home, I'm surprised you didn't complain about the subways yet.
Dunno I've bn here for awhile and I'm tired of the place already.
SoHo's a must.

Have fun

Femme said...

new york is the one place id love to visit just because i hear it's crazy.
how much crazier can big cities get?
i will find out soon.

Unknown said...

So funny! I never shop in London. Only ever shop in New York. In fact, it is cheaper to fly to New York, fill your suitcases and then fly back!

Jaja said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jaja said...

New york! definitely one of my first stops when..

As for your big feet, no problem there. I know a man, at Mile 3 market, all he ll need is a proper measurement of ur feet and problem is solved.
Dont rumple your nose, he makes nice ones.
Enjoy!

p.s : and why do i feel so abandoned by you these days.. {sighs and shakes head in despair}
never mind, i guess its just my sentimental week..:)

Nigerian Woman in Norway said...

oh gosh, i really wasn't prepared for how many crazy people were in new york. i kept forgetting to not make eye contact because that just triggers them to focus on you and stalk you. it was frightening. but manhattan is fabulous!!!

Admin UD said...

New York is just like Loagos. You see and meet all kinds and shades! The Good, the Bad and the Ugly 'nuff said!

In my head and around me said...

I want to go too! I want to go too!!

uknaija said...

Yep, love New York too, although it had to grow on me, the first time I felt claustrophobic, seeing all these tall buidings and wondering what if NEPA takes light?

Atutupoyoyo said...

I always find New York either unbearably hot or unfathomably cold, the people brash and unfriendly, the roads congested and filthy, the shops overpriced and overstaffed and the food crass and fattening.

In short I love New York to bits....

Mimi said...

i've missed u girl :(

Unknown said...

Where are you?? Come back!