Highlights from my sojourn as an honorary citizen in the kingdom of Baffledom
1- Why the British are obsessed with tea?Why I felt guilty for not offering a cup of "the good stuff" to the workmen tearing up my flat today?
Why I caved in and asked if they wanted a "cuppa" four hours after they arrived?
Why I felt both sickened and pleased with myself on seeing their flabby faces flush with delight as they downed the horrid milky-brown fluid I had reluctantly concocted?
2- Why the British refuse to learn the patterns of their own crappy weather?
Why I felt like a lone hoodlum walking down the street wearing UGGs and two hoodies under a wool coat four hours ago?
Why I was on the receiving end of odd stares and glances and became the only explicable reason for the fat old lady's hurried crossing to the other side?
Why I walked home just now under the shade of a large umbrella, feeling lonely in the umbrella-bearer club?
Why the same idiots who earlier looked at me suspiciously, scowled at me with envy from underneath soaking-wet mops of hair and smelly drenched clothing?
3 - Why the British refuse to stock stamps in their corner shops?
Why I was unable to fight the urge to explain to the pimply gentleman at Blackwell's (or was it Blackstone's) that the ugly card I had purchased from him on the eve of Valentine's day, and was scribbling in with his cheap biro, was in fact for my sibling and not for my boyfriend?
Why I left the mailing of my brother and sister's Valentine's cards till the last minute?
Why I stuck two 1st class stamps to the envelope housing my sister's card, tossed it into the red post box and then had none left with which to mail my brother's card?
4 - Why living among the British has made me a greedy, boiler-loving, worldwideweb-dependent weirdo?
Why I opened a packet of Double Gloucester Kettle Chips when I knew dinner would be arriving any minute?
Why I felt cruel last night on seeing my 17 yr old boiler dumped in a pile of rubbish amidst trash bags and torn cartons?
Why I yelled and barked at a total stranger over the telephone yesterday when she told me I would have to pass the next four weeks broadband-free?
10 comments:
Heheh. Let me try (as a Brit) to answer:
1. Tea obsession. This used to be a universal addiction. However it has, with the coming of coffee culture, acquired a class dimension. Tea has become working class (like geraniums and Trevor McDonald) - and is therefore more and more the preserve of people who come round to fix boilers and the like. The phrase, 'like a cuppa tea?' also features prominently on Eastenders, which seals my point.
That said, even the middle classes huddling their morning Starbucks lattes like a cup of tea in the afternoon. The British were so madly into tea a huge trade deficit was built up with China in the 19th century, which led to the Opium wars (get them hooked on the stuff to pay for all our tea). I guess its an obsession that is a long time in dying.
2. The weather has been 'up and down like the Assyrian Empire' in the UK of late. It seems the patterns are harder to read. Rain, in February? It used to be not so common.
3. Its true. Even more annoying is that the stamp machines in post offices never ever work, so you have to queue behind twenty people who are posting parcels which require lots of faff. You daren't jump to the front and say 'excuse me, I only want a stamp' for fear of being smacked by an old lady with a handbag who is next in line.
4. I'm not sure you if you can attribute this odd behaviour to Britain. Perhaps you're just a bit odd? Or perhaps some of that good old British eccentricity has rubbed off finally? On BB: just think how we feel - we had broadband over 6 years ago in the UK (I had dial-up in 1995), but have had to spend the past 3 1/2 in Nigeria without it..
Oh I love being British!
x mwah x
Maybe moving to canada can be plan 'B'. You can bundle up all the time and not bother about it even in summer where last yr temperatures were as low as -18C yes in July and it snowed in NB, a province 1hr from me and I went snow-mobiling.. can you beat that? IN FRIGGINGGGGGG JULY......
You still complaining??
Great blog
Ah, don't listen to Ms Zee, Canada is vast and the temperatures vary widely from place to place. It was 35 C in July where I live, although it is about -30 C today . . . just bring your shorts and parka, and you'll be fine. Oh, and you'll never be without high speed internet.
@ Jeremy: I've been haunted by the image of an old lady smacking you with a handbag for trying to buy a stamp since I read that. Hilarious!! Lol! P.S. In Lagos, we've had broadband since 2003! I would've thought you and Bibi would have the hook-up. Hehe
@ YMW: I'm glad you love being British. I went through an Anglocizing phase 4 yrs ago and was told I was being ridiculous. I'm still an Area Girl I'm afraid :-D
@ Miss Zee: -18 in July?? Where do you live? Nova Scotia?
@ UK Naija: Yaay! Thanks! I'm glad you like :-)
@ Patrice: -30??? HOW do you people cope? I'm cold right now, even with a brand new boiler, and two jumpers on.
Oh no. classic mistake. Once you offer your builders a cup of tea you have created an emotional bond. Trust me you don't want that. Keep it strictly professional.
Good blog.
lol.... I remember almost nothing of England... except probably the tea and bad teeth... lol.
@ Toks - Wish I'd had your words of wisdom before I offered them the first cup. A few hours later, they started to look at me expectantly and I could hardly hide my irritation!
@ ONB - Bad Teeth? Definitely... and Pungent Breath too!
Post a Comment