Miss "Diva" Ross: Being Bitchy In My City

I was not a happy bunny on Saturday.

At some point during the day, all optimism and enthusiasm flew out the frikkin window and I became a miserable cranky beast!

Events had taken a turn for the worse after I'd arrived at Murtala Mohammed Airport, grinned at the Customs guy and trolley-seller people like a deranged idiot, and nearly broken the backs of the Yote and his driver as they struggled with my embarassingly large suitcase.

The plan for Saturday had been that the Yote would take me home, I'd spend two or three hours clowning around with my mum, dad and my sister, and then he'd come by and whisk me off to his maison, where we'd spend the entire afternoon gazing lovingly into each other's eyes. Five minutes before the Yote and I were to commence any gazing or lovva-lovva-ing, he got called to a meeting. He then spent the next four hours at said meeting, and by the time he was done, I was seething (not at him of course) at the ridiculous individuals who had called him in on a Saturday! Did they not know Bitchy was in town? That she had been waiting for weeks to be whisked away by her Yote? Like... totally ruuude... dude!

The plan for the evening had been even more exciting. My dad had agreed to add the Yote and I onto his table at the This Day Awards thingiebob, and I had been so psyched about it. Just before you condemn me as a wannabe Lagos Big Girl, I would like to state that I, like many, think the Awards ceremony is a ridiculous farce - How exactly the winners represent "good governance and exemplary leadership" is beyond me. The ridiculous money-making scam masterminded by Mr. Nduka O and his goons at This Day, was not the focus of my attention... Diana Ross and Lemar were.

Now... You may remember the details of my love affair with Miss Ross from my post on Dream Girls, but you may not know about my even more passionate affair with Lemar. I love him so so soooooo much. I wouldn't go so far as to call him a genius or anything like that, I just think he ROCKS, and I love him for it!!

The Yote knew, long before he and I began this rocky-roaded relationship, how much I loved Lemar. So when I told him I wanted to go see Lemar, he didn't grumble or mumble... he simply said he was too tired and wasn't gonna come along in case I embarassed him in public with my drooling, swooning and off-key crooning.

By 7pm however, the thought of putting my contact lenses (let's face it, the glasses are funky, but I would rather die than see Lemar in those red frames) onto my very tired and very puffy eyes filled me with terror, as did the thought of putting on makeup, a dress and shoes, and making polite small talk with my parents' friends.

I had no choice but to stay at home.

I called my dad a few hours' later, and came so close to boohooing when I heard Lemar's incredibly beautiful voice so clearly in the background. He just happened to be singing one of my faaaavourite songs at the time. It was all too much for me to handle... It still is to be honest. I feel like crying now just remembering how amazing he sounded during the few seconds I heard him on my dad's phone. SOB!

The Yote then randomly decided to put on the TV, and lo and behold... they were showing the This Day Awards!! And we were just in time too, as even though Lemar had finished his set, they were calling Diana out at that exact moment. I was so excited!

And out she came... in a horrid yellow Big Bird-esque outfit, but she still looked soooo beeeoootiful!! For a 62 year old, she twirled with such energy and poise. I love love loved it! To make myself feel better, I'd been telling myself that she would probably only sing for 20 minutes and then leave, as all the other old school artistes my parents had been to see have done... but nope... Miss Ross was on the stage for over an hour!!

I watched with baited breath, knowing that Diva Diana was going to give me something to blog about, and at last, it came...

Half way through her performance, a man in a black fedora got up, strolled casually onto the stage, and gyrated in front of Miss Ross for a couple of seconds. She looked alarmed, but said nothing.

I thought.. "Can this be? Has she changed with age? Where is the bitch-slap? Or, her trademark move, the violent shove?"

Then... ten minutes later, a guy in a White Agbada cum Fila thing climbed the stairs leading to the stage, with a bouquet in hand. His noble intention was to hand her the bouquet and then be on his way.

What did Miss Ross do?

She wagged her finger at him, the way you'd wag it at an ugly dog named Poopie, and then said, "Don't you come on my stage!"

White Agbada cum Fila dude was flabbergasted, as were the other members of the audience. In true Naija style, he paused for a couple of seconds wondering what to do, and then held his bouquet high and flung it at her perfectly manicured toes.

It was sooooo funny! She was clearly perturbed, but tried not to show it. She carried on smiling and doing her Diva Supreme routine, whilst her bald bodyguard sheepishly picked up the damaged bouquet.

I suspect Miss Ross had thought he would shrink back to his seat with his head bowed, after she disgraced him in front of his fellow CEOs, Senators, Governors etc... Little did she know that the Nigerians at such a gathering didn't give two sheeets if she was Diana Ross or Diana, Princess of Wales.

You can't blame her I guess. After all, as I later explained to my mother, who couldn't get over how rude Miss Ross had been, that was probably the first time in her 40-something year career that she performed for an "elite" group of people and members of them interfered with her personal space. I also think that if the first guy hadn't gone on stage to dance with her (which was rather stupid of him, I mean, come on she's Diana Ross for goodness sake!!) then she might have been more polite to the other guy who simply wanted to give her flowers, and wasn't expecting her to grind him like a Koko-let in appreciation.

Like a true professional, she carried on with the rest of her set, at the end of which she received thunderous applause. A couple of times during her performance, the camera skimmed over my parents' table, and I could see my daddy's big head swaying away. Teehee! I didn't have to be there to know that he was singing along to every word. The dude is obsessed... He looooves Miss Ross! And of course, on Sunday morning, all I heard was his harmonious (not!) rendition of "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" and "I'm Coming Out!"

Sigh... I should've ditched the Yote and gone to the show with my parents. But then I was tired, and I wanted to kotch with my Yote. Isn't he blessed with such an amazing girlfriend? Who else would give up a night with Lemar and Diva Ross just for him? Teeheehee!