Pants on Fire

What a lazy arse I've been.

I wish I could say I've been doing something particularly exciting these last 3 weeks, but I can't.

Sorry.

I've been basking in the glory of my previous post which so many people, surprisingly, found hilarious.

After all that glory-basking, I realised that nothing worth reporting or even remotely funny had happened to me, and I couldn't bear the thought of coming on here to spout some carelessly-constructed trash only to receive 2 or 3 pity comments.

But I have now decided that time is fast running out.

So I'm taking the plunge. Screw you if you don't find me funny. Even the pros take time off!

Now, aside from the acute laziness, the glory-basking and the failure-fearing, I've been experiencing a record amount of eye-opening during my 'mini-sabbatical'. Below are some of the random things I've 'discovered' of late that I rightly/wrongly feel are worth sharing:

1 - People lie.

The hair-do I moaned about last time received rave reviews from friends in London. Indeed, after all their ooing and cooing, I considered coming on here to do a retraction and put in a little praise for Feline. Until I came to Lagos. Barely within an hour of my arrival, my father asked why I was wearing a wig. He wasn't being malicious. He was genuinely curious. My brother, independently, then asked the same question 2 hours after that. And then a couple of days later, my newly-appointed esthetician (who has promised to rid me of all unwelcome inhabitants on my forehead) asked me to take my wig off so she could get a proper look at my face!!

2 - The Yote lies.

The liars are not confined to London alone it seems. On Friday, I was filling the Yote's sister in on the disastrous hairdo I had only that morning rid myself of, when the Yote chirped into the convo reinforcing and demonstrating just how disastrous the hairdo had been. I turned to him, mouth agape, at which point he stated matter of factly that the hair had looked incredibly fake, but he hadn't wanted to have to sit through another hair-inspired crying episode, so he hadn't said anything. This is the same Yote who had pretended (six days before that) not to be able to see any difference between my "do" and my real hair. There are no words.

3 - I too am a member of 'Liars R Us'.

I have never been on an okada, or a danfo, or molue, and I can count the number of times I've been in a taxi (in Lagos) on one hand. There is always light in my house, and there are no mosquitoes. I've never been anywhere dangerous or remotely exciting like Agindingbi, Shomolu, Oshodi, Mile 2 (or is it Mile 12?) or any of those places. I'm a sheltered brat frollicking in what can only properly be described as a doll-cage. This realisation isn't exactly groundbreaking, but it did make me feel rather foolish the day it dawned on me last week. Prior to the realisation, I had always thought of myself as a hardened Lagosian, who knew all there was to know, was the epitome of 'hardcore', and was on a par with any rough rider. I don't know what I was thinking really, considering that I haven't actually lived in Lagos for the last 9 years. I suppose the person I'd been comparing myself to was the Yote, who couldn't even get from Ikoyi to Chocolat Royal without directions a couple of months ago. (I love you boo!) How misguided was I?

To sum up therefore...

I am an outsider in Lagos. And it hurts to say it. Disarming this long-concocted delusion has not been good for my sense of self, I tell you. I also have friends who tell me what they think I want to hear - I can't quite tell if this is a good or a bad thing yet. My guess is its more bad than good. Furthermore I have a boyfriend who feels my constant hair woes are a form of superficial hypochondria. The same boyfriend also got just a tad frustrated during the week, when I tried, and failed, to explain why I suddenly felt so alienated and detached from Lagos. His point was that 'Lagos' is full of so many different types of people who undergo completely different experiences everyday, in which there're unlikely to be many commonalities. I couldn't pinpoint the exact aspect of Lagos I felt distant from, neither could I articulate my sentiments to the satisfaction of the Yote, but all I knew was that I was more than overwhelmed by how estranged I was from the entire Lagos experience.

I wonder what other people hold onto when seeking to define themselves as Lagosians? Are there specific characteristics/experiences that define the Lagosian? Or is every person's identification of himself as a Lagosian based on his personal (and internal) determination of what constitutes a Lagosian?

Help!

Oh and by the way, my newly-opened eyes and I will be on the look out for more treachery. I intend to expose the scam that is West African Idol soon. Stay tuned.