Smackdown VS Raw

What is it about ghetto salons that invites cat-fights, bitch-blows and all other such teengs for absolutely no reason whatsoever?

I'm sitting in a rather Jamo-fied (i.e. Jamaican-manned but African-owned) establishment on Monday afternoon having a rather skanky full-head weave (my FIRST thank you very much) stitched to my scalp by a very glamorous and very butch Jamaican feline, when a similarly butch, but not-so-glamorous (and alarmingly hairy - by which I mean facially hairy) Jamaican woman marches in.

First, she makes a fuss about having to wait longer than 10 minutes to have her hair done. Did she make an appointment pray tell? Nooope. Are there any free members of staff walking about doing nuttin? Nooope. But she kicks up a right fuss.

She's asked to be patient by the Kenyan owner (who by the way was arrested a year ago for running a BROTHEL in Mayfair... yes you now know the salon of which I write. I can't believe I still go there when desperation calls. Father forgive me!)

After huffing and scheeuwing, not-so-glamorous Jamaican woman takes up the empty seat next to me.

I don't give her more than a second's glance. I can smell the fire seeping out of her nostrils. Lady wants trouble and is surveying the room for something (or someone) to pounce on.

I get lost in my Equity Finance Textbook (riveting stuff!!) and 10 minutes later hear her say "Excuse me?" I know for a fact there's no way she's talking to me, so carry on being riveted by my riveting equity sumting.

Chinese Dude (who does the manicures in the place. It really is a market place... I kid you not!) calls to the lady doing my hair (i.e. very glamorous and very butch Jamaican Feline): "Feline... she taalkeeng too yoou."

Feline turns round to look at very butch but not so glamorous and alarmingly facially hairy Jamaican woman - let's call her 'Hairy Chin' for ease of reference.

Hairy Chin ignores her gaze, and so Feline returns to her work i.e. sewing skank-ass weave onto Bitchy's head.

Then Hairy Chin yells: "Oh so you gat de eyez too look me now wooman?"

[Kindly read italicised statements with a conk Jamo accent, unless otherwise stated, from here on end]

Feline: "I wurk in fraant of me! Nat behind!"

Hairy Chin: "Whatchu mean ya werk in frant? I calling to you, you ignaar me. Now you say you wurk in frant? Scheeeuw!"

Feline [Addresses Kenyan butt-kissing owner]: "Controool yar castumer Kenyaaan"

Hairy Chin: "Whatcha mean controol yar castumer. You'z mannarlessss! TYPICAL Jamaycan! Typical!

Feline [Slams skank-ass weave onto Bitchy's lap. Pushes back stool violently. Stool falls over]: "Who you teenk you is? Who de frig you? Udder castumers sarry, but FACK youu wooman! Yooseless! KENYAN controol yar castumer! Kenyaaan!!"

[Kenyan scuttles over]

Kenyan [read in Kenyan accent]: "Feline please. Feline calm down. Che!"

[Feline and Hairy Chin are chin to chin, puffing out heaving chests like gangsters buffing up for a street fight]

Chinese dude [read in Chinese accent]: "Feline. Easy Feline. She maykeeng trabble you Feline? I show har dooor Feline!"

Hairy Chin and Feline yell Jamaican profanities ("Frig You!" "Fack You!" "Blaady Appity Teeng!" "Yoooseless!"), spitting in each other's faces.

Chinese Dude and Kenyan get caught in the cross fire, eyes half shut, fearing being blinded by the venomous saliva.

The struggle rages on.

Hairy Chin is pulled out by Chinese Dude and Kenyan - This takes a while as Hairy Chin weighs more than the two combined.

Feline slams back down onto her stool, yanks skank-ass weave off Bitchy's lap, and returns to her stitching - shaking and enraged.

Bitchy leaves the establishment an hour later.

Bitchy returns home and cries to the Yote on the phone.

Bitchy's hair SUCKS!!