Look Into My Pickle Jar. Pretty Isn't It?

“When I grow up I want to be a banker like my daddy.

And then I want to start my own bank that will be bigger and better than his, and make him beg me for mercy.”

– Bitchy, age 7


Things 've changed. Not where being twisted is concerned (I still am). But I no longer want to be a banker.

Now, I have no clue what I want to be. I don’t know which way to go.

With 'good job' (that starts in just under a year)?

Or with 'no job'?

An odd choice when you think about it. Some would even say it wasn’t really a choice. For many, money (or is it the survival instinct) dictates which way they go. When faced with good job vs no job, they choose the former. Duh!

If I'm being real, 'no job' doesn’t really mean no JOB! It just means no job right now. My C.V. is brilliant (I don’t like to brag, but really it is! Hehe) So honestly? I would have absolutely no trouble getting another job.

'Good job' is the job I moaned about in my first ever blog post. Many law students are desperate to be in my boat, but I’m now getting pretty desperate to get out of it.

Here are my two reasons why:

1 - It's not my dream job.
I won’t suck at it. If I put in the effort, I could probably get bloody good at it. But it doesn’t interest me. Here’s an example. Two weeks ago when I met with partners and managing associates from the firm, I noticed that as soon as they began to talk about this and that huge deal, and Sakhalin this and that, I tuned out. I didn’t even notice it happening! I tuned out right then and there. Imagine the disaster that would've unfolded if one of my future bosses had asked me a question at that point? And can anyone explain how I will be able to do a job when I can’t even listen to future colleagues talk about it in an informal setting? By the way, I also tune out of my lectures that are centred wholly on preparing me for this line of work on a regular basis. Back in February, I even allowed myself to walk into a series of exams with the knowledge that I could potentially fail them, for the first time ever in my life. I did literally no work. I blogged, read magazines and did maybe about five hours of revision in the week leading up to the exams. Kindly note that these were Law School exams that many of my ‘comrades’ had been gearing up for since December! These were Law School exams that many an intelligent student had failed in the past. Somehow, I passed (told you I’m smart!) but I only just did.

2 - My relationship.
How will it survive my job? It’s already difficult enough as it is. Long-distance is no easy thing, and so far Mr. Y has handled it pretty well. But the thought of us struggling to stay afloat for another three to four years whilst both working incredibly insane schedules, is scary. Right now, he works like a maniac and I do absolutely nothing with my time. This means that whenever he finds the odd 5 minutes or so to breathe, I am ready and available for a phone call. It’s also meant that I’ve been able to hop back to Lagos at random junctures in the past few months, in the effort to keep our relationship alive. When I start to work longer hours than Mr. Y, and possibly even weekends too, how will we survive? (Obviously we’ll survive, but I mean the relationship – how will the relationship survive?) And when it becomes impossible for me to go to Lagos, and for him to come here, how will we be able to continue to feel as strongly as we do about each other? That kind of distance just could not make our hearts grow fonder. It just couldn't.

The pickle here is though, that if Mr. Y hadn’t come onto the scene however many months ago he did, then I probably would’ve pushed Reason 1 out of my head and gotten over it. I would’ve spent the last few months psyching myself into falling in love with the idea of a high-powered job, truck-loads of money, and don’t-fuck-with-me power suits.

I feel like such a brat. Many people are working jobs they despise. They’re busting their asses to make an extra buck, and working over-time in the process. Yet I'm thinking about giving up good job when I don’t even have a viable alternative to it! If I did have an alternative, this might not be so difficult. I could turn to my daddy and say “daddy I’m going to be a singer, will you pay for singing lessons and buy me a jazz club?” (Obviously I couldn’t, my dad is not an idiot! But you know what I mean.) I’d be able to suggest something else that I’d be doing with my time instead of good job.

Am I stupid for wanting to wait until I find the thing that makes me tick rather than plunging into good job and being miserable both in my work and personal life? Especially when you consider that if I take some time out, and the search for the dream job and the relationship with the Yote don't work, I will always be able to get another job! It might not be as great or as prestigious as good job (which I really should've called 'great job' from the beginning, I just can't be bothered to go back through this post changing it). But I will still be able to get another good job.

What I don't think I'll be able to get is another Yote. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those stupid little girls who thinks she's going to marry every single guy she happens to fall for. But Mr. Y makes me happy in ways I never thought possible. And even though I can't be 100% certain we'll be together forever, I just don't want to put us in a position that even Romeo and Juliet would find impossible to get through ...