Cooking for the Continental Man - Vol. 4

Before I'm inundated with wise cracks from the Rukks and the Cheeks, I would just like to say that... yes, I do know how to count, and yes... I do know the number "3" comes before the number "4".

Seeing as more than one person has already taken it upon themselves to try out my frou frou recipes, I decided it'd be best if I put up the secrets to the one Squash feast I cooked up that I know is guaranteed to impress these faithfuls, if they can be called that at this early stage... teehee! That feast is Vol. 4, the praises of which I sung whilst writing Vol. 2 the other day. I don't have a name for it yet, but for now we can refer to it as...

The Amazing Buttery Meaty Squashy Fest

Stuff:

Half a Butternut Squash

2 tbsps of Butter (or more if you're going to the gym tomorrow)

Drizzles of olive oil

2/3 of a Corned Beef Tin

An Onion

Roughly 3 or 4 tbsps of Canned Plum Tomatoes

2 Red Chillies

Cooking Time: 30 minutes max

What To Do:

From the list of ingredients alone you probably already know what the outcome will be. First, "prep" the squash (Teehee! I love this... I have my own super chef terminology already!). Then heat the olive oil in a pot, add the butter and throw in the squash chunks. As usual leave that to fry whilst turning it occasionally and if necessary, adding more butter.

Meanwhile, chop up the onion and the chillies. Heat a little oil in a frying pan and toss the onion and chilli pieces into it. Fry until they're a golden (but not brown) colour and then scoop the corned beef out of the tin and into the pan. Stir the mix till the corned beef softens, and ensure that you lower the heat at this point - corned beef is notorious for its desire to adhere to frying pans! When the mix is a noticeably darker shade of brown than the un-fried corned beef had been, add the 3 or 4 tbsps of canned tomatoes. How much you add should depend on how fluid you like your sauces to be. I'm not of fan of turning fried corned beef into a tomato-ey stew because I feel it takes away oodles of flavour, but if you are, then you'll need a hell of a lot more than 4 tbsps of canned tomatoes. However much you add, the tomatoes should at least loosen the beef and onion mix to the extent that it becomes clear its meant to be a chunky sauce of sorts. Keep frying it for as long as you wish to, or until it begins to leave annoying brown skin behind with each turn in the frying pan.

All this while you should've been checking on your squash and turning it frequently. The squash should be at the mushy but still relatively solid stage that we spoke about in Vol. 1. This stage is just... the best! The squash should be brown at the edges and corners but of a golden hue in general. Your fork should be able to dismember any chunk with ease unless very delicate care is taken. When sampling a chunk, it should be soft, but should at least require more than one slam of the big white ones before melting into sugary buttery goodness in your mouth... You must get what I mean by now.

What to do next? Toss the squash onto a plate and layer the corned beef on top of it... et voila! C'est fini.

You may be wondering at this point why I raved and ranted and had a near orgasmic encounter on Thursday, the day I thought up this amazing buttery meaty squashy fest. I think its because two of my faaavourite meals are, fried plantain and corned beef stew, and fried yam and corned beef stew. With the amazing {...} squashy fest, I literally had the best bits of both of my favoured accompaniments to corned beef stew - the raw and unprocessed sugariness of fried plantain, and the texture and thickness of soft fried yam (Like I said the other day, Bitchy does not do yam rocks!)

It was heaven on earth... and truuue fans of "the mean beef," will dig it.

P.S. This recipe requires no seasoning whatsoever. If you buy a good brand of corned beef like Fray Bentos, you won't need any salt or black pepper or anything... it'll do all the work!

P.P.S. Volume 3 will be up on Monday at the latest. I'm reeeally kinda sad now and might tarry a while before creating Vol. 5 because I have only 2 of my Squash palsies left to get through. Sigh... just as we were beginning what looked to be an orgasm-inducing affair.

I mourn...